Understanding Sexual Abuse: One Man's Story

It's almost impossible for anyone to understand sexual abuse.

The victim, the perpetrator, and the victim's loved ones all have an understanding, in some form, of some aspect of sexual abuse.  Often those who suffer in one form of another, for one reason or another, believe that no one can understand what they are going through, and the "get over it" mentality seems to only add an acute frustration to the victim, moving the psychological damage to a new level.

Since it is all but impossible to understand sexual abuse, this will be the first in a series of articles to address some specifics in abuse.  All quotes are accurate, and all stories are true,  but have been de-indentified carefully.

A man from a big city in the west coast of the United States, has a history of sexually abusing young boys yet is not in prison.  He is deemed so dangerous as an offender, that he cannot be alone, even for a moment in time.  He is not in a cage, behind bars, keeping the public safe from him, because, when he was 16 years old, he had poor grades in school, never studied, and had himself a "good ole time" at the expense of his teachers.

He was given a test, designed by someone I don't know, in which the results were of a certain score which then cost taxpayers more money:  the school district received more tax payer dollars, and, subsequent payments were made by the government directly to him, due to the test score.

As one who claimed to be "genetically" designed to be sexually attracted to young boys, he was given money, each month, therefore, he did not have to hold a job, giving him lots of free time.

He sexually molested little boys, effectively causing them, and so many others (as future articles will show), for the rest of their lives.  Some of his victims may commit suicide to escape the pain.

This continued for years as upon conviction, judges suspended his sentence of punishment (and keeping the public safe) in exchange for, what they called, "help." This took the financial aspect of this story to an entirely new level.

Everything about this man's existence came from tax payers.  Everything.  By this time, the boys he had molested families paid for his existence.  He did not have to do anything to earn this money, and what was provided to him was everything, from his clothing to his access to the internet.  He was delighted to hear politicians call cell phones a "right", as he knew that most modern cell phones had cameras.

He loved cameras.

The government chose to "save" him, rather than punish him, and this meant that they needed to do something about his free time.

They decided to take even more tax payer dollars to pay for him to see a therapist, beginning at once per week (including cab fare, sans tip, to and from the therapist), but building up to three times per week, but this was not all.

They also decided to pay people to wait upon him, hand and foot, 24 hours per day.

He had his own low paid servant.

Now 35 years old, he has never known a day of work in his life.  As a teen, he did not hold a job, and laughed at his friends having to work.  He did not have to do his home work, and the school teachers were told to pass him, just the same.

He holds a high school diploma.

He has a small apartment, 2 bedrooms, with his bedroom filled with computer supplies, stereo, a small piano keyboard and the second bedroom is where is personal servant lives.  (He has several as they work around the clock, changing shifts.  If he wants ice cream at 2 o'clock in the morning, he gets it.  If he does not like a particular staff, he gets the staff terminated. They work unceasingly, just above minimum wage, to meet all of his needs, while he spends his days walking through parks, inching closer and closer to schools, taking pictures, surfing the internet and sleeping in whenever it pleases him.

One day while walking through the park, he told his new staff that he had to go to the bathroom.  The staff looked around the empty park and said, "okay, I'll wait outside."  The new staff did not think it necessary to follow him into the bathroom since the park seemed so empty, and it really is not such a pleasant duty, after all.

When a few minutes passed without the man coming out of the public park, the staff became nervous and finally, rushing into the bathroom, banged on the door of the stall.

"Just a minute, man!" the pedophile yelled back, but the staff heard the sound of a young boy.

Shoving open the door of the stall, he found a little boy with his pants and underwear around his ankles, staring off blankly.

The end result?

1.  The staff person was fired.
2.  The little boy's life is destroyed.
3.  There is no consequence to the perpetrator.

Parents, it only takes a minute or so of neglect to allow the pedophile to touch your child.

Do you recall the states' health and human services teaching of "good touch; bad touch" to children?  This was the government program to teach youngsters about sexual abuse, but after a few years of actually teaching this, they realized that many of the "touches" did not inflict pain, and the idea of "bad touch" was confusing to 3, 4 and 5 year olds.

The stupidity is mind blowing.

Question:  What happens when a child is touched, sexually, even when there is no infliction of physical pain?

Answer:  The consequences of such an action are myriad.

I don't know where to even begin.  There are some standards of which we may go by, but we know that every case is different, and each child reacts differently.

I think that for those who wonder if there is a God, and if we are deliberately created, rather than just an atomic happenstance of sorts, this may be the proof you seek:  is sexual abuse an assault in the Image bearer of God that is so utterly insulting that the child's very being is assaulted, and wounded, who will then never heal, but only hope to mitigate the suffering for the next 70 or 80 years?

This is something for us to consider later, as we look at cultural responses to sexual abuse in future articles.

Boys and Girls.

Boys and girls are different.

As strange as this sounds to modernity's waxy ears, it is nonetheless true, and "most" boys react one way while "most" girls react another, though, at times, the behavioral observations noted by us can blur.

Boys have a tendency to punish others for what has happened, while girls have a tendency to seek to punish their own selves for what has happened to them.

In both cases, strangely enough, boys and girls feel guilt and responsibility for the actions of the pedophile.

No amount of reason seems to penetrate the deeply held view, even from those who, as adults, know, intellectually, that what happened at age 5, was the fault of the perpetrator, yet the grown woman still blames herself.

It is, at times, maddening.

There have been cases where an infant was sexually molested (yes, an infant) and the molestation did not inflict injury or known physical pain, or discomfort, yet the child suffered for his or her entire life, with some acting out in the same month (or season) in which the perpetration took place, year after year after year.

I spoke to one man who was close to retirement who talked about his children.  One was a Presbyterian minister with his doctorate, while another was practicing law.  His third child was in and out of jail, and on drugs.

He said, "we did our best with our son..." and I caught the word "our" as part of "our son" and asked, "Was he adopted?"

He was. But, he protested, "we got him while very young still."

I then asked if he has suffered known abuse before the adoption.  He said, "yes, why?"

I asked if he knew whether or not his son had been sexually abused as an infant.  He said, "the social worker told us that he had been, but that since he was so young, he would not remember. "
He continued with a heart-breaking story of how all three children were raised the same way, with love, but upon further questioning, he was able to identify that, suddenly, with the onset of puberty, the adopted child dramatically changed.

This is so often the story.

The hormones kick in, and, in some way, the errant behavior, so often self destructive, kicks in.

As I have heard and often repeated:  the body remembers even when the person cannot.

Boys will act out and, once molested, cannot even go to the bathroom alone, without supervision, or the child may act out what was done to him, upon a school mate.  In some schools, it has become "epidemic." The boys act out and appear to be seeking to be punished.

Girls will sometimes, too, but more often will seek to punish themselves rather than wait to be punished.  Self destructive behavior leads to risk taking.

Did you ever meet a woman who was repeatedly sexually abused in life?

In cases like these, the woman is not always believed.  "No one can be that unlucky.  Sorry, no way."

It is not that the woman is "unlucky" or bucking the odds, it is very likely that, upon being molested in childhood, the youngster and eventual teenager, sought to punish herself and conciously or subconsiously put herself in dangerous situations where more assaults took place.

Within her heart, there is a deep shame where she literally holds herself responsible for being sexually abused, and puts herself in places where she can be punished, with the hope of "paying" for her "sins."

This often shows itself in promiscuity and in substance abuse, while at times in a form of self neutering, or just confusion.  

Help can be given, or at least attempted, but it should be in a safe environment only, such as prison, not where children can be easily reached.

Not all that are molested go on to offend, but those who offend were likely molested, themselves. The shame the victim feels must be addressed.  It is not fair.